We all fall in love, impress, take owes, get married, live together and make a family. It’s the magic of life. Whether it’s a love marriage or an arranged marriage, love is to happen. Maybe it happens a little late in an arranged marriage. However, in both cases, there will be a point where you feel loveless.
Now, how to identify the signs of a loveless marriage? Is there any fix for it?
Marriage is an emotional connection between you both. If the question, “Does he/she still love me?” keeps on pondering in your mind all the time, you should take the situation seriously. Maybe, the emotional connection is already missing.
A loveless marriage is very common in most cases. At the same time, every problem comes with a solution. You can solve the issue as long as you are able to identify the signs first.
Here are the 4 major signs of a loveless marriage:
- Communication gap
- No more intimacy
- Not friends anymore, and
- Domestic violence
Sign 1 of a Loveless Marriage: Communication Gap
Lack of communication is one of the major signs of a loveless marriage. Communication is not necessarily just verbal. It’s the gestures you show, wavelength you share, the words you use, the way you look at each other and a lot more.
Usually, we all expect our partner to keep saying, “I love you!” But remember, some are not into words. They prefer expressing their love through actions. If you see their love in their actions, believe in your instincts; they love you.
What you hear may not be always true, but what you see is mostly real. So, it’s more about what they do, not what they say.
What Do You Need to Do?
Trying to build an emotional connection between you both is the major part you need to concentrate on. If you make a proper plan, getting over the communication gap is simple and easy. In most cases, both men and women are equally responsible for the communication gap.
Here are some tips to improve communication in your relationship.
Create the Situation to Spend Time Together
In today’s busy lives, an average couple is spending hardly 1 hour a week talking. Here, I am talking about quality and romantic talks. Technology is replacing humans. We are more into gadgets than family and friends. So, get into a habit of keeping off the technology for at least 30 to 40 minutes a day, and spend that time exclusively with your spouse. Make them feel special.
Stop Complaining about Small Things
We all have the habit of complaining about every small thing. We want things to be perfect for us. Everybody has their own definition for this perfection. Similarly, your partner must also be expecting you to be perfect.
By keep complaining about each other, you are increasing the distance between you both. There is a possibility of your spouse getting irritated with this behaviour. If you keep focusing on every small issue, nobody pays attention when you share real complaints. It is fine to complain too sometimes, depending on the level of the issue. If it’s major, you both need to sit and talk.
Avoid Puzzles and Be Specific
Marriage should never be a puzzle, and you should not depend on giving clues to communicate what you want. Expecting your spouse to read your mind and attend to you accordingly is never a good idea. Not everybody is good at it. You should be specific on what you are expecting and what you want to talk about. Put it in words.
Be Constructive When Expressing Negative Feelings
Feeling disapproval, disappointment and resentment is quite common in any relationship. You need to communicate such feelings constructively. Choose words wisely. If you fail in it, your partner may feel loveless and lonely in your marriage.
The way you choose to express it also matters. Instead of, “I hate it when you are spending all day long on your phone”, try saying this romantically, “Excuse me mam. If you can keep the phone away for a while and pay attention, I would love to spend some time with you!”. Doesn’t this sound a little better? Also, you can offer a cup of coffee as you ask this.
Focus on Positives
It’s a human tendency that we focus more on the negatives. You need to affirm your partner with positive feelings too. You should include affection, admiration, approval, respect and appreciation in your relationship. You will get that attention from your partner when your compliments are more in number than complaints.
Sign 2 of a Loveless Marriage: No More Intimacy
Lack of intimacy is also one of the common signs of a loveless marriage. The reasons can be – lack of love or interest in the partner, dysfunction issues, techniques not fulfilling the other, or simply not having mood, time or energy. This is again a common case with many married couples. Your marriage is never healthy without intimacy. Sexual intimacy is as important as emotional bonding between you both.
If you are experiencing a lack of interest in sex, it is unfair on your part to expect your spouse to be also in the same stage. They may be longing for intimacy. One of the partners is always unhappy with this situation. Sexual intimacy is, in fact, the result of your emotional connection and closeness. Sex and intimacy play an important role even as you grow older together.
Unfortunately, most marriages end up loveless mainly because of a lack of intimacy. So, have an eye on it!
What Do You Need to Do?
Studies say that the honeymoon stage of any marriage ends mostly within the first two years. Later, it’s your responsibility to try building the spark and creating intimacy from time to time.
Below are some tips that can help you get rid of any intimacy issues with your partner so that you can regain the emotional connection too to lead a happy married life.
Don’t Assume Your Partner is Not Interested in Sex
Jumping to conclusions without talking to your spouse is baseless. You have been living together for a while. You both talk about everything. It’s your partner. You are in a marriage, and sex is not an offensive thing to avoid talking about. Take time, sit and start the conversation. Express your views on the situation but in no offensive way. Try to know their side of the story, and come up with a possible solution.
You need to acknowledge your partner if you have any issues in terms of your intimacy. When your partner comes to you and every time you say, “no, not today please!”, they may feel the pressure of taking the initiation again. Work on the resentments if any. Now that you have understood their interest, the ball is in your court. It’s your turn to take the initiative next time. This way, you both have to take turns.
This may sound crazy, but yes you can schedule your sex and consider having a Sex Menu based on both of the partners’ interests. You schedule everything about your day to day life; you can use the same here too.
But remember, this is not just about scheduling a time. You have to plan the whole thing – according to your likes, dislikes, interests and fantasies. This is again the case of taking the turns. You both are going to welcome the ideas and fantasies of the other. Initially, you may feel a little shy or embarrassed. As you keep practising, you will be surprised by the results.
Work on Sexual Dysfunctions If Any
Sexual dysfunction can be one main reason that has been keeping your intimate relationship at bay. Unfortunately, nobody wants to talk about it with anybody including their own partner. They rather avoid their partner, leaving a negative mark on themselves. This is all going to put too much pressure on the relationship.
You cannot expect your partner to understand you without opening up with them. Talk about the issue without the fear of being judged. Express your love and concern for them. Tell them why you have not been able to participate in sex. Fix an appointment with the expert if needed, and take advice.
However, I want to mention an important point here. There are many other ways too that you can consider giving pleasure to your partner, without having to worry about dysfunctions.
Touch plays a major role in sexual life; you can learn tricks to switch gears to give that pleasure to your partner in an alternate way than regular penetration – sex organs are just a part of sex, not the whole thing.
Create a Romantic Environment
You both have been busy since morning at home and work. Particularly as the communication gap is increasing between you both, you don’t know how to approach the partner in creating the magic again. You need a romantic environment too to create the romance.
Dress up well, invest in quality perfumes, turn on their favourite music by the time they are home, arrange candlelight dinners once in a while, and include oil massages in your weekly schedules. It’s all about your creativity and artistic sense.
Don’t Worry about Orgasms
Having an orgasm is not really the compulsory end of sex. It’s like a topping on your cake. It’s great if it happens. But sexual intimacy can also be simply a body massage, taking shower together, a make-out session and so on. As you indulge in these things often, you will feel less pressure on the go. This will gradually ease you both into great sex.
Intimacy may not be the whole thing in a relationship. But, the couples that are comfortably involved in intimacy are happier. They mostly do not find any serious signs of a loveless marriage because of the comfort they have.
Sign 3 of a Loveless Marriage: Not Friends Anymore
Being friends is the first and most important thing for any relationship. Emotional connection and sexual intimacy can be fixed. But, fixing a marriage when a couple is no more friends is the toughest situation.
In the initial days of your marriage, you usually sit, talk, watch movies together, share the chores, dance together, and do a lot more. As the years pass by, not only do you spend less time together, you also start denying each other’s choices and actions, frequently. You pick up arguments too quickly. This can be a result of taking each other for granted; not at all a good sign.
What Do You Need to Do?
We meet strangers almost every other day and start conversations with them and we accept some of them as our friends. So my point here is when you can be friends with strangers, why not become friends again with your partner? It’s not so simple, but you can make it happen by sparing little time and effort. Following are tips that can help you both become friends again.
Start Sharing Again
As already discussed, in the early days of your marriage, you both help each other with chores and share the responsibilities and to-do lists. But, as time moved on, you started leaving the responsibilities totally on the other person.
The most important thing you need to understand here is you both have an equal part in your marriage. They too have been busy the whole day and drained the energy. It’s a good practice to schedule every task and share it according to the possibilities.
For example, you can ask your partner to do the grocery shopping if the supermarket is on his way from the office to home, and you can do the birthday shopping for your kid if it’s within your travelling zone. The rest of the to-dos, you can keep for the weekend to attend together.
This way you are infusing positive vibes in your partner. As you both share the responsibilities, you feel good about the significant other for understanding you.
Take Up Common Hobbies or Classes
Becoming friends again after a long gap is tough. You need to gain comfort first. Taking up some hobbies or joining some classes like music or dance can help you both get back to that comfort level with each other. It’s romantic too!
Don’t you like going on a date now and then? We all love it. We go on dates often before the wedding. We take time even from our busy schedules to make the date happen. But after marriage, we take things for granted. We simply say we are stuck with a busy schedule.
However, It’s all about priorities and planning. If you really want to fix your marriage and bring back the love, you need to take time from your busy schedule and plan at least one date a week initially, and then once or twice a month as you start understanding each other’s busy schedules.
If you have kids, try planning with your friends to take care of them, and take care of their kids when they are going on a date. You are basically helping each other to bring happiness into your marriages. If you want to know more about dating and date ideas, you can go through my post here.
Evaluate Your Marriage
What do you expect from your marriage? What are the disappointments you find? If you both share the same path and find similar signs of a loveless marriage, it is much easier for you to work efficiently to fix it.
You both need to sit and do this. This is possible only if both of you are still willing to stay together by fixing the issues. You need to make two lists – pros of staying together and cons of staying together. Depending on which one has a higher number on the list, you can take the step. It doesn’t make sense to decide to stay together when the cons are 10 in number and the pros are just 2.
In case if you are not able to evaluate it or not able to go with the results, you should consider professional assistance. Marriage counsellors are a great help. I am just a message away if you are looking for a one-on-one consultation.
Sign 4 of a Loveless Marriage: Domestic Violence
This is the most dangerous of all the signs of a loveless marriage. There is nothing much to discuss here. Nobody, including your own parents, has the right to abuse you – verbally, physically, emotionally or psychologically.
Giving a chance once or twice is fine depending on the intensity of the violence, but when you get the gut feeling that this is not going to change, it’s too foolish to give them another chance; especially when you have kids. They learn what they see. You are, unknowingly, indulging the same behaviour in the next generation too.
Here I have discussed just the 4 major signs of a loveless marriage. There are so many minor issues too that may turn into major ones if you do not address them in time. As already mentioned, every problem comes with a solution; recognize and fix it as early as possible.
It’s not compulsory to stay together in a marriage to call it successful. Separating without causing more damage to each other is also a successful part of your marriage.
So if the issue is getting worse, it is ok to take a call and walk away. One day, when you fell in love with your spouse, the love was real. In the same way, today, when you have decided to separate from each other, the lack of love also is real.
Your decision is right in both cases. You are making decisions according to the reality of the situation. But remember, It’s always important to try your best before taking big decisions.
Please feel free to contact me in case you have any issues around dating and relationships. Good luck!